


IloveyouIloveyouIlo-

by lost_lesbian



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Character Study, Feelings Realization, Fluff and Angst, Introspection, M/M, Post-Canon, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-06
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:00:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27897211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lost_lesbian/pseuds/lost_lesbian
Summary: Of course he did. He had from the moment he laid eyes on this beautiful, amazing, otherworldly boy. It wasn't a shock, just a truth of the world. The moment Gon realized, it all just made sense. Of course he loved him, he always had.Or: Gon learns to pine
Relationships: Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 12
Kudos: 70





	IloveyouIloveyouIlo-

**Author's Note:**

> This is the closest thing to fluff I will ever write. This could be read as queer-platonic (I have a special place in my heart for queer platonic Killugon) or romantic. I just love Gon and think he deserved to pine for a bit.

Learning to live without Killua was a learning curve. There were days he grabbed two cups without thinking, when he handed something to the open air only to be startled when it hit the ground. Expecting someone to be there only to look up and not find him hurts every time. It's cruel. He forgets long enough for remembering to rip him open again.

But Gon has always been prodigious in his own subtle way. He learned to live around the vacuum of empty space that stayed by his side, he grew used to living with a ghost, an echo of a person.

Having nen ripped from him; being forced to face how weak, helpless and useless he really is; having to re adjust to normal life and the standardized testing that came with it, it was all so exhausting. He had come so far though, made sure to catch himself being selfish or reckless so as to not waste his journey, not waste Ging's words nor all the time Killua spent on him. He couldn't be strong anymore, but he could at least be better. But living with this ghost, opening the door just a fraction too long as if someone was walking behind him, constantly making room for the empty space next to him, it was his secret indulgence.

He just wasn't ready to let go just yet. Didn't want to say that he had moved on and forgotten. He had worked so hard in another aspects, couldn't he selfishly hold on to this as well?

He hadn't told the man himself of course. How would that conversation go; “hey Killua do you ever forget I'm not there? Do you turn to me only to find empty air?”. It would probably come off as rude that Gon still expects to turn around and see Killua following him like a loyal puppy. Or kitten.

He didn't say anything. Somewhere in the deepest, guiltiest, most selfish crevice of his heart he didn't want that space filled yet. It was his indulgence, Repentance. What's the difference.

Instead he bit his lip when Killua texted him, and let heat crawl into his cheeks, as he was doing now.

His phone was the only light in the room, casting harsh shadows on his face. The night was cool and he could smell the ocean, but the moon was hidden from sight. Yesterday it had been hidden by clouds too, so he had gone down to the ocean and watched the waves lap at Whale Island, like a toddler tugging at the hem of their mother's shirt. They undulated in slow rhythmic patterns that lulled the noise in his head, and he reminded himself that the waves were the work of the moon. For the first time, he appreciated it even when his eyes weren't allowed to gaze at it's pale complexion. Tonight he was texting Killua at unholy hours of the night. It didn't feel too different.

Eyelids heavy, he melted into the mattress as Killua sent photo after photo of him and Alluka beaming all over the city they were visiting. Gon smiled stupidly at his phone. He could live with a million ghosts to keep the smile on those two faces. His favorites though were by far the one of Alluka smiling sleepily with braided cat ears courtesy of Killua, and the blurry in-motion shot of Killua lunging for the camera with makeup on his face and bows in his hair courtesy of Alluka (that he swears he didn't mean to send). He was genuinely happy for the two and clumsily tried to convey that with a sickening amount of heart emojis and what Killua called 'a blasphemous amount' of edits of photos with said heart emojis over them. They both knew he loved them though.

As Killua texted him, he felt so warm. And yet there was an unamed feeling in his chest, just slightly uncomfortable like a hollow space had been carved out there.

He was scared it wasn't enough, that hearts and kisses typed out on the screen sent from halfway across the world weren't enough to let Killua know he's loved. Texting was so inconvenient sometimes, they only had words. They couldn't communicate with glances and smiles and small touches anymore, couldn't bask in eachother's silence. They only had words but Gon didn't have the words to say it. Other times his heart would soar at the notification, he would get giddy with these small exchanges, but only wished he had the words. If he said it directly Killua would just call him an idiot and shoot him down, so he settled with sending hearts and kisses from the other side of the ocean.

He replied to Killua's ramblings, sleep weighing heavily on him, making him feel like he at the bottom of a nice lake and the air around him was warm water pushing down against him. Killua sent him a "baka <3" and something bloomed in chest. For a moment he panicked, feeling like something was in his chest where previously there had been a cavity sucking in all of Killua, now there was something. It wasn't wholly unpleasant. Somewhere in his sleep deprived thoughts he thought something had been born in the space between his lungs where his heart should have been, squirming whenever Killua sent a text back.

The conversation had lulled to the point where they were just sending unrelated stickers to each other, but Gon wasn't ready to say goodnight. That is until Killua sent him a voice message. He stared at the message for a second before hitting play without asking himself if he was ready to hear that voice again. He wasn't, never would be.

“Baka~ you're sleepy aren't you” his voice had a teasing lilt to it, and the message ended with a short soft laugh that cut off at the end. Tears stung his eyes, the thing is his chest was climbing up his throat, burning him as it shaped itself into words.

_IloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyou I **love** you-_

Of course he did. He had from the moment he laid eyes on this beautiful, amazing, otherworldly boy. It wasn't a shock, just a truth of the world. The moment Gon realized, it all just made sense, of course he loved him, he always had.

It took everything he had to not type that out, and yet it was the easiest thing he had ever done. The words were so simple, so obvious, but he knew that for Killua they were world-shattering and heavy, the kind of words that moved mountains.

Killua was happy, his world didn't need shattering right now. What did he expect if he said it? Did he expect Killua to come running back, hold him close while apologizing for ever leaving? Could he do that to Alluka?

Somehow, he didn't want to tell him. He wanted to let it sit in his chest for a little while longer, to let it grow so when Killua came back, he would have a love so wonderful to present him with. Wanted to clutch it close to his heart as his little secret. He wanted Killua to explore the world and let him learn to yearn, to want, without destroying himself.

He could practically hear Mito chuckle and comment on how "he was finally learning patience". 

If he told Killua, they would have to define it, and he knew he didn't want that. He chuckled, now he was the one who knew what he didn't want more than what he wanted. He didn't want define it, to have to give it shape, he didn't want Killua to be weighed down by the knowledge a boy halfway across the world was pining every second they were apart.

He didn't want Killua to fill the empty space next to him before he learned to stop instinctively living for two people. He didn't want Killua to come back for someone who was still inadequate.

His phone pinged, and he realized he had let it fall to his side. Straining his ears for any sign that Mito had heard the notification too, he opened the message. Killua was asking if he had fallen asleep.

Like the selfish creature he was, he let the words die in his throat.

To: Killua <3  
Maybe 👉👈

**Author's Note:**

> Im not gonna lie, I have a 10k extension of this in my wips that focuses on Gon self reflecting on Whale Island. Anyways- I wrote this instead of studying for finals someone pls explain quadratics.


End file.
